Sunday, August 31, 2008

Possible Booger In Robinho's Left Nostril

Booger, or no booger, in the left nostril of disgruntled Real Madrid forward Robinho (not pronounced "robin-hoe", but more like "roe-bean-yo"), pictured today at a press conference in Madrid.I report, you decide.

Scouser Wigs

Just finished watching a relatively lifeless 0-0 draw between Aston Villa and Liverpool. The game was most notable for the handful of Aston Villa fans who were sporting scouser wigs to taunt the Liverpool players. It was really very funny. But what are scousers, you ask? "Scouser" is a derogatory term for a Liverpudlian. Liverpudlians seem to take an inordinate amount of abuse from the rest of England, not in the least for their late propensity to have perms and for growing porn-esque mustaches. My good friend Terry From Derry lived in Liverpool and confirms this unusual trend. "There was a terrible spate of perms in Liverpool", he says.
In his TV show, a British comedian named Harry Enfield had a recurring skit about "scousers". Here's a clip-

Friday, August 29, 2008

Zenit Win

Zenit wins 2-1 in a match that United seemed to not show up for, Carlos Tevez excluded. This match will forever be remembered for one of the most blatant yet skillful handballs of all time. Paul Scholes slapped the ball into the net from about 20 yards. Amazing! And then he was ejected.

Yankee/United Weekend Preview

So, this afternoon (evening) in Monaco we have United facing off against Zenit St. Petersburg in the UEFA Super (Duper) Cup. It will be interesting to see how hard the tackles against Zenit's Andrei Arshavin are. I imagine this game will be played with all the hard defending of an NFL Pro Bowl. Now if Arshavin picks up an injury then nobody, including the most likely buyers - Tottenham, will buy him before the transfer window closes at the end of August. And that will seriously impair United's chances of signing Tottenham's ace Dimitar Berbatov. Or maybe not. Tottenham also look set to sign Arshavin's fellow Russian Roman Pavlyuchenko so maybe they'll let Berbatov go. Who knows?

On another note, will somebody please tell Cristiano Ronaldo that there is indeed such a thing as being too tanned?There's also such a thing as chest, arm, and leg hair. I find it very, very peculiar - alarming in fact - that a man would remove that hair for any other reason than competitive swimming.

In other news, the Yankees host the Blue Jays tonight at the Stadium. By the way, did you know this is the final year the Yankees will play at the old Yankee Stadium? It's also the last year you'll be able to afford to see them play at home. Anyway, Carl Pavano is pitching for the Yankees against A.J. Burnett. Burnett pulled the Yankees pants down and spanked them with a 13 strikeout victory a week or so ago. Should be another Toronto victory tonight and one more step towards quickly ending this disastrous season.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Some Georgie Best To Brighten Your Day

Here's a bit of George Best to brighten your day.

He set a standard that people talk about even now and I suspect this will always be so as long as there is film of him, because what they see is something that, for all the talented players of today, they believe is no longer available. They do not see anyone who is quite like George Best.
-Sir Bobby Charlton

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Moritz Volz

Fulham FC and Germany defender, David Hasselhoff fan, and facial hair enthusiast Moritz Volz, pictured here impersonating the Hoff - is a genuinely refreshing figure in modern sports.

Have you read his columns in The Times Of London? You haven't? What is wrong with you? Do you realize what you've been missing? Some of the funniest, sharpest sports writing you will ever read in your life. Articles like "How To Bluff Your Way To The Top Of The Game", and "If Sepp Blatter Had His Way I’d Be Working In a German Restaurant".

And then there's this amazing instant classic, "Stumped By Stubble, The Beard Is Back". Volz ponders why there is less facial hair in modern football (soccer, calcio, etc.) and then gives his list of the best and worst beards in the history of the sport. Along the way he makes this very astute observation regarding the outlandish beard once sported by former American defender Alexi Lalas, "that was a bit ill-advised — when you’re a ginge (red head) you should be limiting your hair growth as much as possible, not exaggerating it".

Moritz Volz - inaugural member of the HTADB Hall of Fame.

Yankees Season Wrap-Up

What, you're saying it's too early for a wrap-up because it's only August 27 and the season is still in full swing? Nay, fair reader, you are wrong. The season is over for The Yankees. That Alex Rodriguez double play with the bases loaded and 1 out was it. I hope I'm wrong but, well, I'm not.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Poo Poos: The New Black Gold

I've always been amazed by how much power is generated by the human stomach. How can a seemingly innocent order of chicken tikka masala inserted into the mouth create so much noise and violence as it exits through the posterior? Film yourself holding a match to your plate of tikka masala and you'll be disappointed when you play it back. Now, a few hours after eating, with the camera running, hold a match to your butt as the tikka masala begins to pass in gas form and you may have a Youtube Classic on your hands. In The Gas We Pass - The Story Of Farts by Shinta Cho we learn that the average adult releases about half a quart of gas per day. 365 / 2 = 182.5. That's nearly 183 quarts - just under 46 GALLONS! - of combustible gas released per adult per year. Surely there is some way to harness this windfall (tee hee) of energy.

Well, some enterprising folks have bypassed farts altogether and have begun harnessing the power of the fart's big brother - the caca poo poo. In this fantastic article, we see how some Kenyans are using their poopies, and the sun, as their energy providers. The poo is used as a very effective fuel and the sun is used to naturally purify water. Although poo based energy would be insufficient to satisfy the average American's gluttonous consumption of energy, perhaps this article does offer some lessons for us. Perhaps we should try to get out of the grip of petroleum and use some other sources that are here at home and in plenty of supply. Like nuclear, hydro-electric, solar, and, of course, wind (in all forms).

Monday, August 25, 2008

United Update

We're in the 87th minute at Fratton Park, and Paul Scholes still cannot tackle.

United At Portsmouth

1-0 to United after 3/4 completed. Darren Fletcher is making us forget all about that Portugese fellow. What was his name again?

One thing you can say watching United today (tonight) is that we are on the verge of a golden era. Imagine a decade or so of Rooney, Tevez, and Anderson playing together. We all know about Rooney and Tevez, but Anderson may be the best of the bunch. He can play up front or he can dominate as a holding midfielder (he really beat up Messi while marking him in the Olympics semi-final). He is a tireless player, strong as a bull, and will only improve on his already sharp passing touch. It is incredible to ponder. Add that Portugese fellow, Ronalski, McDonaldo, whatever his name is, and it's going to be a wonderful spell.

Ugly Footballers

My good friend Andrew, a long suffering Norwich City fan, has submitted this bit of internet gold -

I can't believe that some of the true monsters of the Premiership were left out, but what can I do? This is a good starting point for discussion.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

If Derek Zoolander Ran FC Bayern Munich

. . .then the team would introduce their new 2008 uniforms like this.

Wait a minute, that really was their new kit launch press conference! Good grief, what on earth were they thinking? And how did everybody not burst out laughing at this incredibly weird display of performance art? It reminds me of The Dude's landlord performing his dance quintet in The Big Lebowski.

Olympic Wrap-Up

Here are some clips from the closing ceremonies of the last big event held in Beijing, lest the world forget.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Olympic Update

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Boy, I'd love to kick the shit out of this referee"? Well, meet Angel Matos, Cuban taekwondo Olympian.He didn't like it when the referee disqualified him from the bronze-medal match. So he gave the ref a Billy Jack. Doesn't the referee look like he's impersonating a beaver?

By the way, this is a Billy Jack, performed by, well, Billy Jack:

Friday, August 22, 2008

This Sporting Weekend

Carl Pavano is back as the starting pitcher tomorrow, Yankee fans. Having only 5 wins thus far in his 4 year Yankee career, we've paid $8,000,000 per Pavano victory. Bringing him back is, for me, the official notice that the Yankee season is over. They need to win most every game remaining to ensure a playoff spot, and they're resting their hopes on Carl Pavano? And Sidney Ponson? What happened to my Yankees?

And on Monday, United visit Portsmouth in a rematch of last year's FA Cup Semifinal. I'm thinking United only gets a draw out of this. Chelsea and Arsenal will almost certainly win their matches so United will find themselves 4 points behind after Week 2. Bad news indeed.

Book Review - The Ballad Of Billy And George

"When I was a kid, I wanted to do two things: play major league baseball and be in the circus. I'm lucky. I got to do both"

- Graig Nettles, on playing for The New York Yankees

The Ballad Of Billy And George (The Lyons Press, Guilford, CT, March 2008)
Great book here. Former Yankee beat reporter Phil Pepe tells the very funny, very strange tale of The New York Yankees of the late 70's - early 80's, with the incredibly bizarre relationship between George Steinbrenner and Billy Martin serving as the focal point. I miss those teams. Today's Yankees just aren't the same and it kills me. They're nowhere near as fun to watch. But winning or losing, Martin's Yankees were always exciting. You just never knew what was going to happen. Some funny quotes from the book:

"When you open it, it tells you how good it is."

-Catfish Hunter, suggesting that the Reggie Bar (which was actually pretty good) was just as full of itself as its namesake.

"Yeah, I signed 'Albert Walter Sparky Lyle Junior.'"

-Sparky Lyle's response when asked if he had indeed signed the bare ass of a lovely young lady who boarded the team bus in Chicago looking for autographs.

". . .I enjoyed playing for him. I used to like the way he took a bed check. He'd look in the room and say, 'Yeah, the bed's here.'"

-Sparky Lyle on Billy Martin

Should be mandatory reading for any Yankee fan.

Still Awake

Well, I'm still awake. Normally when I read blogs I fall asleep, so I figured actually making one would put me out even quicker. But it hasn't. So, I'm sitting here eating cheese (Hannah's Choice Sharp Cheddar, not bad) wondering what to write about. How about a little footie?

Anybody catch the Man Utd - Newcastle match last weekend? It's very rare that the Geordies go to Old Trafford and don't take a beating from my guys but Newcastle managed a 1-1 draw against what looked like United's reserve team. Of more importance than the match was the incredible display on the pitch of hair gone wrong. In this day and age, is it really OK for a man to have hair like Newcastle defender Fabricio Coloccini? Doesn't this guy make enough to afford a comb or a hair dryer? Or a hair cut for that matter?And take a look at his fellow Argentine national - and Newcastle winger - Jonas Gutierrez (on the left, though the other guy has some freaky hair himself). Yikes!

What's with this ongoing epidemic of bad hair in soccer? Everybody says hockey players have the worst hair, but they cannot possibly compete with soccer players. Bad hair on soccer players seems to have gotten so out of hand in Nigeria that sporting officials have taken steps to normalize players' hair. They're doing it for the wrong reason, I might add (the Nigerian officials think it is "gay" . . . not that there's anything wrong with that) , but still. It's a first step towards no more of this sort of nonsense.Or this.

Good Morning

Hi everybody. I can't sleep so I started my very own blog. Hmmm, where to start? How about with this picture of an aspiring Chinese gymnast training for the Olympics?

Aww, just look at how happy this little pumpkin is. Tears of joy, those are.