Somali Jolly Rogers May Soon Be Glowing Like St. Elmo's Fire

Here's news that Somali pirates recently raided a ship and found more than they, or we, can be comfortable with. The pirates are not comfortable because they're dying. As though they came into contact with some very bad stuff (NBC stuff. Not the network, but nuclear, biological, chemical stuff). Read the article and judge for yourselves.

Pirates Are Back In A Big Way

Despite the fact that there have not been any peg-legged, eye patch wearing, puffy shirted sea salts with parrots on their shoulders terrorizing the seas for the past 200+ years, piracy never went away. And though you may not realize it, the cost of piracy is tremendous. Some estimates place as much as a 16 billion dollar yearly price tag on piracy. That's lost cargo, ship damage, insurance costs, etc.. I'm sure quite a bit of that cost gets placed on the consumer.

In some spots piracy is actually flourishing. Like the Somali coast, which has been experiencing a massive increase in piracy. They've gotten so brazen and well-armed that a tanker containing 30+ Soviet era T-72 main battle tanks was just recently seized by 40 to 50 pirates. They're demanding $20 million for the release of the ship. They won't get it, and they won't get the ship to port either, because there's a US destroyer (among other warships of various nationalities) waiting to send them to Davey Jones' Locker the second they make a break.

The French have also recently been forced to take notice of the problem plaguing the Somali coast. In April they had some of their commandos (who are really quite proficient, contrary to popular belief) open a can of whoop derriere on some Somali pirates who had seized a boat carrying French tourists.

Back In The Sad Saddle Of Blogging

Sorry I've been away for so long. I've been quite busy. But now I make my triumphant return to the sorry art of blogging to satisfy the needs of the two of you who actually read this thing. So let's celebrate my return with some book reviews, shall we?

1) Scared Of Santa: Scenes Of Terror In Toyland. Denise Joyce and Nancy Watkins have assembled 274 pages worth of pictures featuring terrified, screaming, crying children sitting on Santa's lap. It's a picture book (very little reading involved for those of you who are not avid readers) with laughs on any random page you open to and would thus make an especially great addition to any bathroom magazine/book rack. It will be released October 14th.

2) Brocabulary: The New Man-I-Festo Of Dude Talk. Daniel Maurer's compilation of guy phrasing is admittedly kind of funny but it's also sort of sad in the way it highlights an annoying and possibly dangerous trend in society. You see a great deal of this stuff now. The Man Show, Man Rules beer commercials, etc.. There was a time when men aspired to marry and have a family, be successful at work, and be a solid citizen. Not so today. Nowadays men are encouraged to extend their adolescence, and all the bad form that accompanies it, for as long as possible. A great article describing this trend can be found here. Anyway, you'll have a laugh over words like "holaroids" (naughty pictures of women), "mammouflage" (something that makes it hard to gauge the size of a girl's boobs), and "cock bottom" (the low point of your sexual career), but you might - if you're an old-fashioned guy like me - ultimately find this a bit childish.

3) Never Shower In A Thunderstorm: Surprising Facts And Misleading Myths About Our Health And The World We Live In. I absolutely love this one. It's a book you will burn through in no time at all. New York Times columnist Anahad O'Connor has put together a compilation of answers to many of the questions we've all asked and worried about. Will shaving make your hair grow back thicker? No! That's an old wives' tale. Does alcohol really kill brain cells? No, thank God, or I'd be long dead by now. Can you fight off a shark by punching it in the nose? Not really. There's over 200 pages of this sort of stuff. Highly recommended.

Some Thoughts On The End Of The Yankee Dynasty

Here's a great, great article on the Yankees' fall from the top. It's written by Buster Olney, one of the best sportswriters around and author of the fantastic The Last Night Of The Yankee Dynasty. That book is mandatory reading so click the link and buy it, you two people besides me who will ever read this blog.

I agree with Olney's view that the Yankees' failure to develop players combined with their signing of expensive free agents has led to the mess we're in. That mess being no October baseball. What an awful feeling. Is this what it's like to Pittsburgh Pirates fan?

Corralejas!

My Colombian brother-in-law is always telling me about the corralejas. Colombian amateur bullfighting. He always goes when he's down there. Well, it's not really bullfighting so much as it is a few hundred guys getting incredibly wasted, jumping into a ring with an enraged bull, and then running in terror. Here's a video, complete with a soundtrack that reminds me of the music I often heard at night when I lived behind a 24 hour gas station in the Bronx:

I love the arena this event takes place in. It seems more like a gigantic lean-to than any sort of proper sports venue. I wouldn't sneeze or cough too hard if I were standing next to it for fear of bringing the whole thing down. Anyway, the video you just saw made it seem like it's all fun and giggles. It isn't always. If you'd like to see about 9 minutes of the bull winning, big time, click here. Let me warn you first that watching a bull trample and gore somebody is an exceptionally awful thing, so don't click the link if something like that, or techno music soundtracks, will upset you.

Ronaldo Dives Again

Finally, I got a sporting prediction correct this weekend! Cristiano Ronaldo came on as a sub in the United-Chelsea mega clash (a 1-1 draw) and almost immediately took a dive. Frank Lampard came a bit too close to the Portugese fair play activist - within 3 feet or so - and Ronaldo then hit the deck after it appeared he was hit by a sniper round or had stepped on a landmine. I shouldn't even call it a dive because it was so much more than that. So incredible in fact that even Alberto Gilardino would be hard pressed to match its technique.

Watching The Pre Game Ceremonies Before The Final Yankee Stadium Game And . . .

. . . I'm just so embarrassed right now. For the Yankees. This whole thing is so overdone it's shocking. It looks like the Yankees raided a nursing home, took all the old-timers out, slapped ancient Yankee uniforms on them, and then made them stand in center field pretending to be very old Yankees. So these guys are standing out there somewhat unsure of what to do, and most of them look like they need to sit down soon.

And then this whole nonsense of, "Ladies and gentlemen, Roger Maris' son, Randy Maris! Randy Maris." It's crazy. What's with the need to cart out the family members of deceased players?

And and, watching the real old-timers run out onto the field is nerve-wracking because they look very unsteady on their feet.

Just please play the effin' game already. These Yankee ceremonies have gotten completely out of hand.

So Long Yankee Stadium

Please forgive my Macdonald Carey moment here . . . like sands through the hourglass, so goes the last game at Yankee Stadium. Tomorrow is the last game there.

But doesn't it seem like people are getting too worked up about this? I'm a lifelong Yankee fan and I'll be the first to admit the Stadium was a bit, well, not so good. It was filthy, it stunk, and your feet would get stuck to the floor if they set in one place for too long. The beer from the upper deck canteen guys tasted like an unbelievably foul perversion of the brewing process. The big bat was ugly. And to top it off, the Yankees were (and will continue to be) located in a dire neighborhood.

I thought the Stadium actually lacked character, especially those lifeless blue padded outfield walls that destroyed the original uniqueness of left center field. Those monuments were in play at one time!The Stadium was special because of the team, and for not much else. My mom used to go back in the 40's and 50's, before the Stadium got cookie-cuttered in the 70's, and she always felt the Stadium was ruined after the rebuild. Anyway, it's all a moot point because the financial crisis caused by people taking mortgages they couldn't pay, combined with the astronomical ticket prices the Yankees are asking means none of us will ever step foot in the new Stadium.

Still, I've got just a ton of great memories of all the games I watched there.

The one thing I hope the Yankees leave behind is the Bob Sheppard announcement impersonations by Jim Hall. He's Sheppard's backup as the Yankee Stadium announcer, and since Sheppard has been sick for quite a while, it's all Hall all the time. Hall, it seems, intentionally tries to sound like Sheppard, and it's very irritating to me because he doesn't. Please, please use your own voice!

Oh, and Pavano is 4-1. I am stunned.

United head to Stamford Bridge tomorrow to take on Chelsea! FSC, 9:00 AM ET.

Ronaldo Returns!

For the record, I think United will receive quite the spanking from Chelsea. Yet there's a ray of hope for United fans. Chelsea goalkeeper Peter Cech will feel like he's at the front row of the Olympics diving competition because Cristiano Ronaldo returns for United!

Speaking of the match, just my two cents here but Paul Scholes, England international, masterful midfielder, and noted ginger, should probably not start this match. Chelsea's midfield is just too strong and fast. Is it just me or does Scholes seem to be losing a step or two? Oh, right, it is just me - nobody else reads this. Anyway, he's an all-time great but I think he should start with the Claude Makelele type appearance schedule.

Quite Interesting

The show, that is. QI. A British quiz show and judging by the clips I've seen it seems like one of the greatest shows ever to grace TV. Sadly, it's not available here but you can find clips on Youtube. Like this one:

Fans To Owner: Go Fudge Yourself

Very strange story here regarding Newcastle United Football Club. Mike Ashley bought the club less than two years ago, and when you total up the purchase cost and the money he's poured into the club, he has spent a quarter of a billion pounds in total. A quarter of a billion. That's out of pocket. Anyway, everything seemed to be all roses at first.

Recently though, NUFC's manager, and former perm enthusiast, Kevin Keeganbailed out on the team (not the first time that has happened, it must be noted) due to his inability to control player transfers. For both his playing and coaching exploits, Keegan is revered as a sort of demigod up in Newcastle - the Geordie Messiah is his nickname - and when he walked out the fans turned quite savagely on Mike Ashley. At this weekend's past match, there were widespread and in many cases very nasty demonstrations against Ashley. In a nutshell, Mike Ashley committed two grave errors in the fans' eyes. He chased out one of their heroes and he didn't spend enough money to bring in top notch players. Both points are quite debatable but the end result of the fans' actions has proven to be amazing. Mike Ashley is putting the team up for sale. From his recent statement:

I have the interests of Newcastle United at heart. I have listened to you. You want me out. That is what I am now trying to do, but it won’t happen overnight and it may not happen at all if a buyer does not come in.

You don’t need to demonstrate against me again because I have got the message. Any further action will only have an adverse effect on the team. As fans of Newcastle United you need to spend your energy getting behind, not me, but the players who need your support.

We can't say that Ashley hasn't had his share of guffaws during his brief time at the helm of Newcastle but his being pushed out by the fans is just insane to me. His purchase of the club and subsequent infusion of money into the coffers to help pay down the club's debt essentially saved NUFC from folding. And yet here he is faced with fans who are so opposed to him that he is now forced to sell the team. On last night's Fox Football Fone-In (one of the best shows on TV, by the way), Steven Cohen was spot on when he basically wondered who in their right mind would buy the club now after seeing what's just happened. However it shakes out, it's going to be a very interesting scene up in Newcastle.

Richard Wright, R.I.P.

Richard Wright, founding member of Pink Floyd, has succumbed to cancer at 65. What a sad thing. As they say on Dark Side Of The Moon, "we've all got to go sometime", but each time a figure from my youth passes it reminds me that time eventually crushes all before it.

In his honor, view this oddly Syd Barrett-less clip of Pink Floyd performing See Emily Play.

Rick Monday, You Made A Great Play

Rick Monday saves the flag.

After Only Five Starts . .

. . . Carl Pavano has injured himself again. He left in the sixth inning. He now has seven wins in his 4 year Yankee career. He got a fair amount of abuse walking off the mound. Part of me can't help but feel badly for the guy, because I'm sure he doesn't want to be a constantly injured boo bird target. Either way, this is one of the worst Yankee signings ever. If not the worst. The Yankees have now shelled out something like $5,700,000 for each of his Yankee wins.

Not A Good Sporting Weekend

Manchester United handed Liverpool a gift 2-1 victory yesterday away at Anfield. An own goal from Wes Brown (though it was clearly Edwin Van Der Saar's fault) and a disgraceful display of clearing the ball out of the box from Ryan Giggs (I'm actually ashamed to criticize the guy after all he's done for the club) were all Liverpool needed. United's goal came from this guy (make sure you're sitting and have had your coffee before you look) - Aghhh! Carlos Tevez! Good grief, get a haircut dude!

My second favorite Italian team - Roma - suffered an embarrassing 3-1 defeat to Palermo. Made all the more embarrassing because Palermo is kitted out in this -
Yes. It's pink! PINK! How can they go out onto the pitch like that? Roma may have the best jersey in all of soccer - not the sponsor stuff, but the logo of Romulus and Remus suckling on the She Wolf - and they lose to guys in pink jerseys.

Finally, the Yankees' season may be over but this kid Phil Coke looks great, and he had another lights out performance yesterday. He's yet to give up a run in seven relief innings. Excellent stuff, and I hope he's the real deal. But why, oh WHY, are the Yankees not allowing Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy to get some big league experience considering the season has, for all intents and purposes, been over for weeks? Why do they keep putting Ponson and Pavano out there? So what if Hughes and Kennedy get pounded? Who cares? Let them get some experience.

Soccer Actually Helping Those Who Need Help

Ok, ok, settle down, we've laughed enough about the Homeless World Cup. It's a preposterously stupid attempt to make people think that "soccer cares" and that soccer can cure the world of all its problems. "If everybody just played the footie like, there'd be no more bad stuff and the world would be well good, like." So silly.

But sometimes soccer can help. This is an amazing story of how Mauro Raffaelli, an Italian psychiatrist, has used soccer to successfully help schizophrenics in their struggle for normalcy. Here's a quote:

Sandro was a perfectly ordinary, rather handsome young Italian man. He was working as a bodyguard for the Italian president. But the stress of carrying a gun, and worrying about assassination attempts, catalysed a latent psychosis in Alessandro. Sandro says: "I like to think that my mum was my first medication. I guess football was my second. Football worked for me because it helped me escape the prison of madness... The weird thing is, the opposite team became the voices in my head, they embodied the voices, and that helped me. It made them real. And then I could cope."

A really nice story and continued success to the folks that do this.

Possible New Soccer Competition

Maybe the folks who run this event can get together with the folks who run the previously discussed Homeless World Cup and form some sort of super tournament for the unhoused.

7 Years After

From wandering through the nations, o'er the waves,
Brother, I come, and stand beside thy tomb
To give thee the death-offering of the grave,
To call thee, vainly, dumb in Hades' gloom.
Oh, weary is the fortune that bereft me,
I give or gave our fathers long ago
The sad fraternal duty that is left me,
The dreary gifts unto the shades below.
Accept them, dewy with a brother's tears;
Accept the sorrow that they cannot tell,
And through the long eternity of years,
Brother, farewell, for ever fare thee well!

-Catullus, Carmen CI, as translated by Andrew Lang

The Homeless World Cup

This is one of the strangest things I've ever seen - http://www.homelessworldcup.org/. I'm sitting here quite unable to make sense of it. Have a look at the site and I'll meet you back here.

OK, welcome back. See what I mean? I quote from their site:

Are you currently homeless and would like to play in the Melbourne 2008 Homeless World Cup? Contact your team directly.

Was that line written in the expectation that even a single person reading it would say, "Why, yes, I am a homeless soccer player, and a member of a homeless soccer team. Thank goodness I came across this site while surfing the internet."

Good reader (both of you), I ask this - does a soccer tournament for homeless people (in easily accessible Australia, no less) seem like a sensible way to spend money fighting the very real, very serious problem of homelessness? Does it in any way seem like playing in this tournament should be anywhere near the top of the priority list for people suffering through what must be an unimaginably awful and degrading fate. Personally, I would put things like housing, a job, and hygiene higher on my list than "play in homeless soccer tournament".

And it seems that money is indeed being spent on this. Nike, UEFA, The U.N., Real Madrid, and Manchester United are listed as sponsors of this tournament. Now what if the money spent on funding a soccer tournament were applied to a different method of helping the homeless. What if they spent that money on . . . (are you sitting?) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . actual HOUSING for the homeless! By homelessworldcup.org's own admission, only 44% of the participants in the 2006 Homeless World Cup have "improved their housing situation". 44%? What the fuck! Is this organization not even housing all the players who participate? Is it "play a few games and then back to your refrigerator box, you slob"?

This group has lots of famous supporters. Eric Cantona, Didier Drogba, Rio Ferdinand, Luis Figo, Ringo Starr. Wait a minute. Ringo Starr? The same Ringo Starr who VH1.com lists as having been worth $111 million in 2000 supports this group? And 56% of the players from the last tournament still don't have improved housing? On the tournament site Ringo is quoted as saying, "Get into the Homeless World Cup. Participate in sport changing the world." Sport changing the world? What about using some of that money to rent these people an apartment or two. Oh, goodness no, sorry. That won't work. Give the homeless guy a soccer ball instead. The pride of knowing he participated in this tournament will keep him warm at night when he's sleeping in a garbage can.

Speaking Of Hard Tackles

. . .it's 1-1 in the 90th minute in the North Korea-South Korea World Cup Qualifying match. Coming up today, England-Croatia on pay per view. On Fox Soccer Channel we get Russia-Wales and Macedonia-Netherlands.

The whole World Cup process seems really overdone. It's 2008 and they're playing qualifying for matches for a 2010 tournament? It's just so silly.

Missile Defense Update

The U.A.E. - yes, home to the owners of Manchester City - are interested in buying 7 billion dollars worth of Terminal High Altitude Area Defense missile systems from the U.S.. 7 billion. Saints preserve us!

http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN0845547120080908

It's good and it's bad. It's good because it will provide a shield against Iranian missile systems and greatly diminish their menace. It's bad because we'd be giving this extremely sophisticated hardware to a country that is officially opposed to the very existence of one of our strongest allies - Israel, the likely target of a full-scale Iranian missile attack. And if you're like me then you'd be worried that these things would be parked too close to Iran without our direct protection. You'd also need to go potty. So excuse me, please.

Top 10 Worst Premier League Haircuts

A great listicle from The Sun. See, I told you that Coloccini fellow's hair was extremely suspect.

Gol! ( x50+ )

This will upset my fellow Manchester United fans, but Cristiano Ronaldo is truly not the best player in the world. That title goes to one Lionel (Leo) Messi, the tiny Argentinian who plays for FC Barcelona. In the following clip, he scores a goal that must surely rank among the greatest ever. However, I think the clip is more notable for the announcer's work in calling the goal. It's in Spanish so I don't know exactly what he's saying, but I counted at least 50 "gol"s in a 10 second stretch. This is wild. Behold!

"Shake" Your Monday Blues Away

. . .with this amazing clip of Peter Green's Fleetwood Mac featuring Jeremy Spencer and Danny Kirwan. Before Lindsey Buckingham and the chicks ruined the whole thing with all of that Rhiannon nonsense, Fleetwood Mac was one of the most bestest bands in the world. Here they are performing live for The Hef himself. I'll let you guess what the song is about.

Johan Cruyff

I just saw that very annoying Amstel Lite commercial where the seemingly animatronic elderly Dutchman jibber jabbers something in Foreign and then bouncy music plays over a montage which depicts Amsterdam as one big non-stop keg party.

And for some reason that reminded me of a book I read recently entitled Brilliant Orange: The Neurotic Genius Of Dutch Football by David Winner. It's a really well done overview of the history, style, and mixed results of Dutch football (calcio, soccer, etc). In it the author explores how such a small nation (Wikipedia says their total population is under 17,000,000) consistently produces such outrageously gifted yet frequently flawed players. Johann Cruyff is the undisputed king of Dutch soccer - almost as important to Dutch society as a whole as he was to Dutch football - and he figures heavily in this book. But it's hard to understand just how good a player was through reading along. So without further ado, here's a bit of Cruyff embarrassing defenses worldwide.

"I Never Knew Hot Dogs Were Bad For Me", "God Bless America" Bashing, And More!

In a continuation of Mayor Mike Bloomberg's attempts to suck all of the fun and flavor and personal savings out of the lives of New Yorkers, the Yankees have been hit with a health violation by the city for not having posted calorie counts on the menu boards at the Stadium. Here's the article.

I have just a quick thought on this. If you need a large print sign to inform you that the nachos and (what passes for) cheese at Yankee Stadium is not a healthy food choice, or if you're so lost that you are unaware of just how incredibly unhealthy a hot dog is, then you shouldn't be allowed to go to a Yankee game. Or anywhere. Stay at home. You're fucking up the world for everybody else.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

On another Yankee note, famed sportswriter and facial hair enthusiast George Kimball, in his America At Large column in The Irish Times, laments the 7th inning God Bless America ceremony that takes place at every Yankee home game. Here's his article, and here's what I find fascinating about it. I quote,

"over the years I've come to regard the drum roll for God Bless America at Yankee Stadium as the signal to head outside for a smoke break."

Kimball doesn't really make any attempt in this article to hide his political leanings or his disdain for the views and practices found on the other side of his hill. He doesn't like what he views as the crudely enforced patriotism at Yankee Stadium, or how the Republican Party and the "pro-Iraq lobby" have co-opted both the song and Ronan Tynan (huh?), the Irish tenor who sometimes signs the song at Yankee Stadium. And so on. He doesn't seem to want that whole scene forced on him.

That's fine. It's America, and as an American George Kimball's right to express those views is still well and justly protected. Yet he seems to have no problem with smoking at Yankee Stadium. That must be OK because it suits him, despite the fact it's a legal no no. And despite the fact that many people at Yankee Stadium may not wish to smell or be exposed to the smoke from his cigarette.

So here's to you, George Kimball. You don't like having views and practices you disagree with forced upon you, and you're going to smoke a cigarette in a no smoking area to prove it.

Teapot, this is Kettle. Kettle, this is Teapot.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

No league footie this weekend. The Yanks were humiliated by lowly Seattle last night. But the NFL is back. My NY football Giants might have won their first game, but I'm worried how they'll finish without the services of the great Osi Umenyiora.

BASE Jumping Gone Horribly Wrong

It's not often that you can say your parachute didn't open, you crashed into the side of a mountain, and you lived to tell the tale. Amazingly, Hans Lange can say just that. And luckily for all of us, his crash was all caught on tape.



Read the story of his crash and incredible survival here.

Some Thursday Morning George Best

The Baby Jumping Festival

But it's not the babies that are jumping.No, silly, it's Spain's El Colacho Baby Jumping Festival. What's that you said? You can't understand why a man wearing an outfit that looks like a high school band uniform/Mexican wrestler outfit hybrid is leaping over terrified children? What are you, stupid or something? They're obviously jumping over the babies to keep the devil away.
http://www.spiegel.de/international/europe/0,1518,575011,00.html

Also at Spiegel Online, this fantastic article on new wind turbines that could revolutionize the enrgy industry.
http://www.spiegel.de/international/business/0,1518,575877,00.html

And finally, now that it doesn't much matter, the Yankees are spanking first place Tampa Bay.

John Cleese Trashing American Football? And Americans Too?

This is a very strange clip, part of The Art Of Football From A To Z by John Cleese. The whole series is airing soon on Gol TV and many are funny but this one, about football (American), confuses me greatly. Is it comedy that misses the mark, or just a deliberately mean spirited slap at Americans? If it's the latter then we have to ask, what was John Cleese thinking?


Regarding the origin of the word "soccer", see here - http://www.usembassy.org.uk/rss/transcripts/worldcup2006a.html
- and here -
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/soccer

More On Manchester City

Manchester City as it turns out was just today, or recently, purchased by Abu Dhabi United Group for Development and Investment. They've got tons of cash. Tons of it. There'll be lots of spending in Manchester City's future.

Abu Dhabi is part of the United Arab Emirates, and incredibly, you cannot enter the UAE with an Israeli passport. You will be denied entry. In fact, I've read a few articles that suggest it may be that you can't even enter the UAE if you're passport has been stamped in Israel. Why do I bring this up? Because before the new owner came in, Manchester City signed Chelsea defender Tal Ben Haim - an Israeli national. He's a man who will not be permitted to enter the UAE, home country of his team's owner, simply because he is an Israeli.

So how do you feel today if you're Tal Ben Haim? I imagine you'd be rightfully upset and already preparing your transfer request.

Robinho's Possible Booger Is On The Move . . .

. . . to Manchester. Manchester City, that is. MCFC spent something like $65,000,000 to buy Robinho from Spanish champions Real Madrid. But the big transfer news today happened on the red side of Manchester, as my guys picked up one Dimitar Berbatov from Tottenham for something like $60,000,000. He is a player of unusual touch and vision, and a magnificent passer. A fabulous player who will be massively successful at United, but there's one problem for me. He wears a girl's hairband on the pitch.He's going to have to work on that. As I hear, the new Berbatov chant at Old Trafford will be the following, sung to the tune of Jesus Christ, Superstar:

Dim i tar
Ber ba tov
He's got his own
Pers'nal hair dress er