Gay, Mentally Challenged Biracial Male Cheerleader Claims Discrimination

I leave it to you to make all the jokes about this story because I have to go change my pants.

Tragic Mirror Shortage Continues To Plague Italy

Livorno's off again on again, often frantic gaffer Serse Cosmi, seen here (in an image owned by Getty Images) today during Livorno's 1-1 draw with the Beckham and McDonaldinho over at the San Siro.

Really, what on earth is going on here? This man is wearing an Irish farmer's hat, Maverick's sunglasses, Clouseau's trench coat dyed black, and a scarf that looks like something I gave the missus for Christmas 3 years ago. I can't even bring myself to comment on the chin music. Makes me proud to be a fashion-proof slob if this is what fashion has come to.

How To Report The Evening News

Funny, because it's true!

This Is Just Great

They've got nudey butt machines now. Exactly what I need. So I can't even go to an airport without people laughing.

yes, Yes, YEEEESSSSSS!!!

What has taken them this long?

This Is Odd

I don't mean to make light of a tragedy such as the Haitian earthquake but really, look at this. I don't think it's such a good idea to use rescue bears in a situation like this but what do I know?

Speaking of the Haitian earthquake (caused, as two leading intellectuals say, by the Devil and the US military) here's a story that has gotten a lot of attention but somehow didn't manage to stop those Hope For Haiti telethon people from giving a share of the proceeds to Yele Haiti. According to some reports, Yele Haiti, led by Wyclef Jean, seems to have a somewhat dubious history when it comes to disbursing their funds to those in need.

Ah, Kids These Days

Would you just look at these lovable litle scamps from a Russian youth hockey league enjoying life as only kids can.

Makes you all gushy inside, doesn't it?

Miguel Cabrera's On The Clothesline

The Tigers' first baseman has gone through rehab for alcoholism. Insert sound of slide whistle going down here because Cabrera's happy funtime is now . . . OVER! You won't find fun or peace at the bottom of a bottle of apple juice, amigo. You'll mainly just find diarrhea. Anyway, I live by the words a dear friend once told me. Anonymous Blog Writer, he says to me, "I'm not an alcoholic, because alcoholics become quitters and my mother didn't raise any quitters. I'm a drunk."

The Surf Is Also Up

Sky Sports was kind enough to send Millie Clode along to cover a story on surfing in the UK. In the report we learn that there has been a 67% increase in surfing in the UK over the past 2 years. In a related story, male Sky Sports viewers are reporting a 100% tightening of their pants after they saw Millie Clode in her wetsuit.

Assholes Assembllllllllllllllllllle!

They sure did the other day in our embarrassing loss to City. Tevez, Bellamy, and Neville all on the same pitch at the same time! Dick alert! All that was missing was Robbie Savage and Jamie Garragher. Had they been there too, the universe would have exploded.

The Intercoursing Version Of The Big Lebowski

Doesn't get much better than this movie. Here it is stripped of all but the most essential potty mouth moments.

Hair Ye, Hair Ye

Anybody catch the Milan-Genoa match yesterday? The Beckhams made a successful comeback and RonaldILoveMcDonaldsinho scored a goal. The old guard had a good day. It was like being in a time machine already! And speaking of time machines, you'd have to set one back to say, oh, I don't know, 2,000 BC in Egypt to have any chance of looking normal whilst having your head adorned with the following do. Behold . . . the inexplicably weird stylings of Genoa forward Rodrigo Palacio.

Goodbye Holidays

Whew, thank God they're over. Couldn't take much more of that. People coming over to consume all of your precious booze. My liquor cabinet began December as The Arsenal Of Insobriety, barely containing its packed ranks of various delightful liquors, but now it is reduced to a pathetic wasteland occasionally dotted by the odd half bottle of vermouth here and a nearly empty bottle of port there.

I should have heeded the sage advice of Kingsley Amis. He was one of the great drinkers in the history of man and he gave some sound advice about how to throw a party without putting a severe dent in your liquor cabinet. For those of you who, like me, consider yourselves masters of the glorious art of drinking I command you to get to a bookstore (then a liquor store) and buy Kingsley Amis' Everyday Drinking. You will keel over from laughing so hard. That is, if you don't keel over from the drink first.

Hair Ye, Hair Ye

Marek Hamsik, star midfielder for Napoli and Slovakia, looking sort of like what Kid from Kid 'n Play would look like if he were white.

You've Got To Love Brazil

Brazil has got its fair share of problems, but my lord, they do two things better than just about any other country: create great soccer players and create the lovely ladies.

Peruvian Footballer Kukin Flores - Master Of Deception

Well, at least not when it comes to excuses as to why he was nabbed running naked through the street. This is almost too funny to be true . . .

Iquitos midfielder Kukín Flores: told his wife he'd been stopped by Peruvian police while sprinting naked down a street because "I was being chased by a ghost". Flores later admitted he had actually been out "engaging with dirty ladies", and was then mugged. "I didn't want my wife to be suspicious about ladies so I just told her it was a ghost. She failed to believe me." Flores admitted he had experienced "issues with cocaine" in the past, "but this was nothing like that. I just had a bad day."

Loving it!

Welcome Back!

Hey, I forgot about the blog again. Been busy, what with the new Victoria's Secret catalogs coming out for Christmas and everything. So I was snapped back into blog mode yesterday while watching the Liverpool-Arsenal match. Andrei Arshavin is a player of enormous talent and his contributions to his Arsenal side are already approaching legend after only a year of service to the cause. But what is it about him? The faces he makes in his goal celebrations . . . they're very awkward. They remind me of something. Hmmm. What is it . . . .

Hmmm . . .

Wait a minute . . . I've got it. It's . . . Simple Jack! The problem is that Arshavin is going full tard during these celebrations and that's why they're being mocked. If he only went half tard they'd be critically acclaimed.

Many a shameful head of sporting hair has gone unmocked in my absence but fear not, I shall return later with more!

Joe Girardi - The New Tinkerman

It's beyond frustrating to be a Yankee fan sometimes. You only rarely get to watch a game where your team doesn't use like 7 or 8 pitchers. I used to think Joe Torre had no clue how to manage a bullpen but he has nothing on Joe Girardi. It's like some obsessive compulsive need to tinker. This outrageously annoying habit of Girardi's is brilliantly dissected here.

It's Pouring Outside . . .

. . . but the sun is shining brightly in my heart.

Reader Submissions

Long suffering Norwich fan Andrew from New York writes in regarding Saint Crispin's Day:

"Took 500+ years but the French ultimately won."

Ha! If you take the EU as something of a French invention, then indeed they have.