The Greatest Complaint Letter Ever Written

From livid Virgin Atlantic passenger Oliver Beale to Sir Richard Branson, regarding his in flight meals and entertainment. Here's a snippet:

Well, answer me this Richard: What sort of animal would serve a dessert with peas in?

and one more . . .

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that bhaji custard.
I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard, Richard. MUSTARD.
More mustard than any man could consume in a month.
On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown, glue-like oil, and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato.
The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.
Once it was regurgitated, it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard, Richard.

Full letter, with accompanying photographs here. Hats off to Oliver Beale, who deserves a major award for having crafted one of the funniest letters ever written.

It's Taken 30 Years, But It Looks Like Oscar Gamble Finally Has Afro Competition

From this guy, Everton midfielder Marouane Fellaini.


That is one gigantic fro. On an unrelated note, if I were him I'd quickly learn the art of the snot-rocket because I would not continue to wipe the schnot right on the front of my jersey.

Is That Really The Texas Rangers New 2009 Batting Helmet?

Get your seizure medication ready.

Why? Full story here.

The Greatest Player Who Never Was

Masal Bugduv, a young Moldovan phenom who was recently listed by The Times of London as one of the 50 best young stars in the world, never actually existed. He was a prank played on the mainstream media. They fell for it big time. Here's a great story about the whole thing. Well worth the read.

Now That's How To Score!

We should all line up and give this guy high fives.

There's a joke about ball juggling in there somewhere but I'll leave it alone.

Joe Torre Does Not Want The Yankees To Retire His Number

If he did, he would never have written this.

New Strain Of Cornrow Plague Detected In North London

Tottenham and England striker Jermain Defoe appears to be in the early stages of cornrow infection, as his head has become studded with baby cornlets. When will the authorities act to stop this plague?

Former French President Chirac Hospitalised After Mauling By His Clinically Depressed Poodle

Seriously. That headline writer must have been in his glory to have such rich material to work with.

One Of The Least Soothing Names For Toilet Paper Is . . .

. . . Coral. Coral, like the sharp stuff that ships must avoid lest they have their bottoms torn up. So imagine my surprise a while back when I had to crack open a new roll of toilet paper in my office's handicapable bathroom and I find it is named Coral. What a strange name for toilet paper.

Kaka

In the midst of all the greed, corruption, and commercial control in the sporting world, it is nice to know there are still a few athletes who meet our ideals. Here's one - the Brazil and AC Milan superstar, and devout Christian, Kaka.That's him at his apartment window a few hours ago, letting the throng of AC Milan fans below know he turned down a $160 million deal which would have sent him to Manchester City and earned him 500,000 pounds per week. He seems like a genuinely good man and his loyalty to his club is rare indeed. Watch him here in part 1 of Adidas's Dream Big San Marino commercial. Obviously it's a commercial to sell Adidas gear but look at how happy Kaka makes this kid who idolizes him.

So here's to you, Kaka. For being a good guy you are hereby named the second member of the HTADB Hall Of Fame.

UPDATE:
Here is Part 4 - the final part - of the Dream Big San Marino commercial. Very nice indeed.

ShamWow Versus The Clapper

Finally, a way to settle which product is the best "As Seen On TV" product ever. CNBC is running a 64 product knockout tournament today. Here's the bracket sheet.

You can vote here. I personally like ShamWow.

Yucking It Up With Hitler

So have you seen Downfall, the widely acclaimed film that covers Hitler's last few days in the bunker? It's heavy stuff and there's nothing to laugh at. But some folks realized that if they changed the subtitles (Downfall is in German) of one scene in particular they could turn this bleak, depressing tale of the end of Hitler into a non-stop laugh riot. And behold, a whole wave of Downfall mashups crashed down upon Youtube. Here are the two funniest I have seen. In the first, Hitler finds out that he has become a victim of the housing market collapse.

In the second, Hitler is devastated to find that Cristiano Ronaldo has been sold to Real Madrid and will no longer play for Manchester United.

NASCAR's 60 Most Beautiful People

Seriously, stop laughing. I know what you're thinking - most of the drivers look like extras from Southern Comfort. Maybe once upon a time that was the case. But The Sporting News wants you to know that NASCAR has come a long way from its hillbilly roots and that there are now at least 60 attractive people who are fully to marginally involved in the sport. People like Jeff Gordon's stunningly beautiful wife, Ingrid VandeboschWow. She just sort of takes your breath away, doesn't she? God bless you Jeff - happiness to both of you. But how on earth can anybody put that woman on the same beautiful people list with this feller?

Tony Stewart is by far and away the best pure driver I have ever seen but I am nearly certain he doesn't belong on the same beautiful people list with Ingrid Vandebosch. She's smoking hot, he's a dude. You make the call.

May I Just Briefly Show You One Of The Greatest Sports Show On Earth?

And there's no better time to share it. Premier League Fan Zone. Two fans call the match, one fan from each team. This past week we were treated - blissfully treated - to the United-Chelsea match. A great compilation clip of this weekend's match can be found here.

Cornrow Plague Spreads To Newcastle

Andy Carroll, 20 year old Newcastle United striker, is the latest player to be infected with the cornrow plague that is still, inexplicably, spreading through professional sports.

Today's NFL MVP

It goes to Ian Eagle, the play-by-play announcer for the NFL's radio broadcast of the Steelers-Chargers game. He gets the award for having flawlessly called the hard-hitting, tongue-twisting matchup between Brandon Manumaleuna and Troy Polamalu. A near impossible task handled with great skill. Congratulations.

9 Dart Finish

Un fucking real.

Wake Up, Bitches

Stuff's happening.

Is Google Making You Stupid?

No, your titanic drug/alcohol intake and fear of book lurnin' is what's making you stupid. But Google isn't helping. A very good piece on how the electronic interweb is maybe not helping folks get smarter.

People Get The Government They Deserve

Didn't DeTocqueville say that?
Well anyway, Minnesota, meet Stuart Smalley - your likely new U.S. Senator.

Things I Find On My Desk: Naked Obama On A Unicorn

I found a Xerox copy of the following on my desk last week.

Yes, it's naked Obama on a unicorn. Words fail me.

After doing some research on this rather unusual piece of art I found that you can actually buy a print of it online. Or a print of, say, Mother Teresa with a pancake on her head. Here.

I report, you decide.

The Most Overused Sports Phrase Of 2008

"Execute".

As in, "we need to go out there and just execute", or, "we lost because we didn't go out there and execute".

It's up there with "it is what it is".